First off, I should acknowledge the fact that I didn't "lose" my faith, so much as I've misplaced it. While I can't in good conscience classify myself among Christians anymore, that doesn't mean that I'm not open to the idea of religion, I am simply no longer convinced by it. No, I wasn't recently exposed to the corruption of the church. No, a loved one didn't die recently. No, I'm not dying (to my knowledge).
How did I abandon Christianity after 30 years of (mostly) fervent belief?
Short answer: I read the Bible.
Some background on me, for those of you who don't know me very well. My dad is a pastor, or at least, he was until he and my mom divorced and Southern Baptist dogma prevented him from ever working in a church again. Christianity was the truth, as much as physics or biology, and I never really had any reason to doubt it. Of course, as so many of us do, I hit my mid-20s and started to question everything I believed. Faith wasn't enough anymore. I've got nothing against faith, and it'd be silly to suggest that we don't all rely on it at some point, but even common faith like "my car will start today" or "my wife will still love me tomorrow" is predicated on some fundamental truth. I was having trouble finding this fundamental truth in my religion. So like any struggling Christian in the middle of a crisis of faith, I talked to other Christians. Maybe the best answer came from a seminary graduate friend of mine who, upon me observing that I couldn't see the truth in religion anymore, asked if I was truly seeking it.
This bit of self-reflection hit hard, as after high school I'd relegated church-going and scripture-reading as things to do on a whim. Desperate for knowledge, I poured myself into the Bible. Sure, I'd read my Bible when I was younger, but it was usually select passages that re-affirm, I'd never taken in the entire thing. I'd certainly tried as a kid, but usually lost interest when I got to the begats. My priority, this time, was to read objectively, as a person just looking for truth, rather than someone automatically taking everything read as gospel (if you'll pardon the pun). You're probably not surprised to find out that a story about a talking snake and people made out of mud isn't the most convincing origin of life. This didn't deter me however, because unlike so many simple-minded religious and non-religious people, I recognize that artistic license isn't a new concept. What artistic license doesn't account for, however, is the little inconsistencies that basically put everything I've ever been taught into complete disarray. It turns out Lucifer isn't the devil, at least, not according to the Bible. Someone read John Milton and word of mouth spread and eventually I was being told (by very educated and religious parents) a story about a conceited angel whom God cast down, despite there being absolutely no record of that ever happening in the book our entire religion was based on. Unfortunately this wasn't an isolated incident of misinterpretation. It was frustrating, as an adult, to discover. I felt duped. I was disappointed in all of the highly intelligent people I've known who would just accept these stories without fact-checking. It wasn't enough, though. This didn't prove, or disprove, anything. As a fairly progressive Christian, I'd long moved past concepts like the devil and hell. I'd already accepted that Satan (which translates as "accuser") was a metaphor for man's inherent evil and hell wasn't a lake of fire, but simply Earth without the presence of God. My heretical interpretations of the Bible aside, I still described myself as a Christian, though I'd often amend the term with "liberal", "progressive", or "critical." My religion was more about helping the poor and the meek, rather than condemning sinners or abiding by an arbitrary list of rules. My religion was completely independent of my politics. My religion didn't clash with science. What my religion clashed with, was my own logical compass.
Something still didn't feel right. How could there be so little historical corroboration for the man whom one of the world's largest religions was founded on? Why was God such a vicious tyrant and then one day turned into a loving father? Why did the Old Testament read like a book about polytheism, despite the decades I'd been bred in a monotheistic faith? There were just too many questions with too many insufficient answers. It felt intellectually, and spiritually, dishonest to call myself a Christian, despite not believing a large bulk of the tenets of Christianity.
Where does that leave me? I don't hate religion, at least, no more than I did when I was still a part of it. I still believe in God, I simply have no concept of what God is, beyond "the genesis of life." God could be an omniscient spiritual entity just as much as it could be ancient celestial aliens who seed planets. I could very well come back to Christianity or some other religion in my search for answers, but it seems unlikely since it hinges on faith and I am seeking truth.
How does that change my life? I'm still figuring that out. It's hard to de-program 30 years of religion, particularly when so much of that was the driving force behind my personal code of honor and ethics, as well being how I identified as a human being. I'll keep giving to my monthly charities. I won't feel guilty for acting on sexual urges. I'll continue to study the Bible, among other texts. I'll probably pray a lot less. I'll hate and distrust the government about the same. I'll always be up for a good religious debate. I might start saying "goddamn." We'll see.
Oh, please don't tell my mom.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Anticipating the Throne
With the much ballyhooed third season of Game of Thrones nearly upon us, both longtime fans of the books and show creators David Benioff and D.B. Weiss seem to be anxious for one thing: the Red Wedding. While this is no doubt a pivotal (and shocking) moment in the book series, I find myself more excited about half a dozen or so other things that happen in A Storm of Swords, though some of these things won't occur until the fourth season.
Introduction of Dorne
To be fair, I'm leading off with one of the less glamorous events I'm anticipating. It's not a particularly impactful or heart-stopping moment, but the Dornish host descending upon King's Landing is only the beginning of one of the more intriguing aspects of the War of Five Kings, and Dorne is my personal favorite region of Westeros (for non-readers, Dorne is where Tyrion shipped Myrcella off to in the second season). We've yet to see anyone from Dorne, or even hear much about them on the show, but it plays a great importance on the story to come, particularly the Martells of Sunspear. I doubt we'll see anyone from Dorne pop up in the third season, but I'm hoping their entrance on the show is as grand as it is in the books, with all of the major houses represented as Tyrion tests Podrick Payne's knowledge of their sigils.
The Hound vs. The Lightning Lord
We haven't seen Beric Dondarrion since his brief appearance in the first season when Eddard Stark sent him to seek justice for Gregor Clegane's war crimes, but he's come a long way since those (seemingly) peaceful days. He now leads the Brotherhood Without Banners, a group of outlaws who serve no master, except that of the common man and he fights with a flaming sword. We've already seen glimpses of this fight in the season three previews and it looks as though the show creators are giving it the amount of focus it deserves.
Jaime Lannister + Brienne of Tarth = ?
Season two delved a bit into A Storm of Swords, but season three is where the Jaime/Brienne relationship is really going to blossom. They've omitted Cleos Frey, and rumors have indicated Vargo Hoat has been significantly changed, but I have faith that Jaime and Brienne's journey is going to retain it's road trip/buddy comedy appeal as well as give the t.v. audience a deeper appreciation for Jaime Lannister.
The Red Viper vs. The Mountain That Rides
This won't happen until the last episode or two of season four, but it's probably my most anticipated moment of the next two seasons. There's no way to set this duel up without giving away loads of spoileriffic plot details, but Prince Oberyn Martell has not only come to King's Landing to celebrate King Joffrey's wedding, but also to seek justice for the rape and murder of his sister Elia and her children during Robert's Rebellion. It's a furious fight that I'm hoping will retain all of the frenetic energy from the books, as it comes from one of the single best chapters in the entire series.
Joffrey's Wedding
Most people think A Storm of Swords and immediately think "Red Wedding," but I am far more eager to see Joffrey Baratheon and Margaery Tyrell wed. There will be dwarfs, dogs, pigs, pigeon pies, singers, jugglers, a joust of sorts, and no Lannister celebration is complete without 77 renditions of "The Rains of Castamere." This is arguably the single event that changes the scope of the war and those involved; this is where G.R.R. Martin crosses the Rubicon. Don't expect to see Joffrey's wedding until 2014.
The Wall
While the groundwork will be layed in season three, I'll be surprised if we see any sort of payoff before next year. The King Beyond the Wall is massing a wildling host to take Westeros, but first he must contend with the Night's Watch and the Wall. With moments both thrilling and touching, this is one of the biggest and best battles in the series and my personal favorite.
Daenerys storms Slavers Bay
More fighting. A Storm of Swords is usually considered everyone's favorite book, and the massive amounts of payoff in the form of fights and battles is a big part of that. Daenery Targaryen has been building her strength for two seasons, with little success, but season three is where she picks up her Unsullied army and begins her journey as a Warrior Queen the likes of which no one has seen since Nymeria conquered Dorne. For everyone who hated sitting through Dany hemming and hawing about her dragons being stolen, this is the moment of the show where she finally comes into her own and proves her worth. Expect her conquest to last two full seasons.
Introduction of Dorne
To be fair, I'm leading off with one of the less glamorous events I'm anticipating. It's not a particularly impactful or heart-stopping moment, but the Dornish host descending upon King's Landing is only the beginning of one of the more intriguing aspects of the War of Five Kings, and Dorne is my personal favorite region of Westeros (for non-readers, Dorne is where Tyrion shipped Myrcella off to in the second season). We've yet to see anyone from Dorne, or even hear much about them on the show, but it plays a great importance on the story to come, particularly the Martells of Sunspear. I doubt we'll see anyone from Dorne pop up in the third season, but I'm hoping their entrance on the show is as grand as it is in the books, with all of the major houses represented as Tyrion tests Podrick Payne's knowledge of their sigils.
The Hound vs. The Lightning Lord
We haven't seen Beric Dondarrion since his brief appearance in the first season when Eddard Stark sent him to seek justice for Gregor Clegane's war crimes, but he's come a long way since those (seemingly) peaceful days. He now leads the Brotherhood Without Banners, a group of outlaws who serve no master, except that of the common man and he fights with a flaming sword. We've already seen glimpses of this fight in the season three previews and it looks as though the show creators are giving it the amount of focus it deserves.
Jaime Lannister + Brienne of Tarth = ?
Season two delved a bit into A Storm of Swords, but season three is where the Jaime/Brienne relationship is really going to blossom. They've omitted Cleos Frey, and rumors have indicated Vargo Hoat has been significantly changed, but I have faith that Jaime and Brienne's journey is going to retain it's road trip/buddy comedy appeal as well as give the t.v. audience a deeper appreciation for Jaime Lannister.
The Red Viper vs. The Mountain That Rides
This won't happen until the last episode or two of season four, but it's probably my most anticipated moment of the next two seasons. There's no way to set this duel up without giving away loads of spoileriffic plot details, but Prince Oberyn Martell has not only come to King's Landing to celebrate King Joffrey's wedding, but also to seek justice for the rape and murder of his sister Elia and her children during Robert's Rebellion. It's a furious fight that I'm hoping will retain all of the frenetic energy from the books, as it comes from one of the single best chapters in the entire series.
Joffrey's Wedding
Most people think A Storm of Swords and immediately think "Red Wedding," but I am far more eager to see Joffrey Baratheon and Margaery Tyrell wed. There will be dwarfs, dogs, pigs, pigeon pies, singers, jugglers, a joust of sorts, and no Lannister celebration is complete without 77 renditions of "The Rains of Castamere." This is arguably the single event that changes the scope of the war and those involved; this is where G.R.R. Martin crosses the Rubicon. Don't expect to see Joffrey's wedding until 2014.
The Wall
While the groundwork will be layed in season three, I'll be surprised if we see any sort of payoff before next year. The King Beyond the Wall is massing a wildling host to take Westeros, but first he must contend with the Night's Watch and the Wall. With moments both thrilling and touching, this is one of the biggest and best battles in the series and my personal favorite.
Daenerys storms Slavers Bay
More fighting. A Storm of Swords is usually considered everyone's favorite book, and the massive amounts of payoff in the form of fights and battles is a big part of that. Daenery Targaryen has been building her strength for two seasons, with little success, but season three is where she picks up her Unsullied army and begins her journey as a Warrior Queen the likes of which no one has seen since Nymeria conquered Dorne. For everyone who hated sitting through Dany hemming and hawing about her dragons being stolen, this is the moment of the show where she finally comes into her own and proves her worth. Expect her conquest to last two full seasons.
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