You're probably an asshole: holiday edition

Between people being trampled to death for cheap Blu-ray players and one group or another claiming that Christmas is too secular or isn't secular enough, one thing is certain during the holidays: people are assholes.  The problem is a lot (i.e. all) of these people don't realize what enormous douchewads they are and they just continue the cycle of assholerey.  I've compiled a handy guide that will help identify behavior that may qualify you as an asshole.  Please, look over this and if you find you fall into some of this behavior, spread some holiday cheer by not being a total dickbag.

This is in our future if we don't clean up our act.

1.) You have ever assaulted (pushed, prodded, stabbed, mauled, pepper-sprayed, etc.) someone for that hot item of the year in an effort to save $20.  Let's face it, you're an asshole so it's a safe bet that you're kid is an asshole; he/she doesn't deserve whatever stupid toy you're accosting someone for.

Remember when Joseph and Mary pepper-sprayed the innkeeper for a room?

2.) You're offended because someone wishes you "Merry Christmas."  They're not trying to shove religion down your throat, get over yourself.

3.) You're offended because someone wishes you "Happy holidays."  They don't hate Jesus, they're just tired of assholes ostracizing them for not being politically correct.  Get over yourself.

4.) You're offended because Christmas is recognized by non-Christians.  Guess what?  If you want your sacred religious holiday to be a national holiday, everyone gets to celebrate it.  You can't bombard everyone with your religious observations for three centuries and not expect it to get secularized.

Pictured: an asshole.

5.) You're offended because people dare mention the name 'Jesus' when discussing Christmas.  Yeah, Christianity totally co-opted the Roman Sol Invictus and Saturnalia, but Christmas has been about the birth of Christ for nearly 2,000 years.  Deal with it.

This is so fucking offensive.

6.) You're offended by the term 'Holiday tree' because it's just the secular, post-modern world furthering it's war on Christmas and its agenda against your god.  When you co-opted the pagan traditions (like Christmas trees), you kind of deserve everything that comes with it.  Next time you decide to start a holiday: be creative and come up with your own traditions.

This is a real book. Someone probably bought it. As a Christmas present.

7.) You think Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and the Solstice should be equally advertised by retailers.  Sorry asshole, but the vast majority of people, regardless of their theological ties, buy Christmas gifts.  Christmas won retail winter, sorry losers.

 8.) You think there is some mass conspiracy to bring Christmas down (AKA the so-called 'War on Christmas), despite the fact that for 3+ months retail is dedicated to Christmas and people have begun celebrating it before Thanksgiving is over.  Christmas won winter, there is no war.

In actuality, Santa is being arrested for indecency with a minor.

9.) On Thanksgiving/Christmas day you go shopping at one of the few open stores and express your condolences to the poor sucker stuck behind the cash register.  Hey asshole, they're stuck there because you continue to shop on a holiday.

Behind her Christmas cheer is a desire for your house to burn down.

10.) You make your employees work on Thanksgiving/Christmas for a tiny margin of profit.

"You're a real motherfucker, Ebenezer Scrooge."

11.) This one is for the kids: you're pissed because you didn't get that one totally awesome (but probably shitty) toy you wanted.  There are currently kids spending their Christmas in a hospital, just hoping they live to see New Years.  I hope you choke on your turkey dinner, you little puke.

"Buy me Bonestorm, or go to hell!"

12.) You make lists detailing why everyone is an asshole, you sanctimonious prick.

Pipe +3 DEX +2 CURMUDGEON

I've only scratched the surface, feel free to add to the list with your own observed holiday asshole behavior.

The Muppets

As a lifelong Muppet fan, I've had equal amounts of excitement and trepidation building over the last year as I've been anticipating the new Muppet movie.  Jason Segel's passion for the material as a fan, as well as strong critical reception, had eased my cautious optimism and I'm happy to say that most of it was unwarranted.

"Don't trust this review, his favorite Muppet is Fozzie! Ohohoho!"

The movie starts strong and it's no exaggeration that I had a smile plastered across my face for the first ten minutes, easy.  The new addition to the Muppet clan, Walter, is likable and serves as an excellent way to reintroduce the Muppet franchise to a new generation, as well as those of the older generation who have long-forgotten their felt and fuzzy friends.   The story does a great job of blending new characters with the classic franchise as well as being a sentimental homage without becoming sappy and cloying.  This is where the movie is its strongest: paying tribute to its pedigree.  There are tons of references in the background for Muppet fanatics to catch, without ever getting too ham-fisted in its love letter to Jim Henson.  I loved looking in the corners of the screen for small little nods to the classic show and I'm sure for as many as I caught, I missed even more.  The movie hits its sentimental peak when Kermit the Frog is remembering his friends through song in a heartfelt and moving scene.  For me it was a powerful moment that served to remind me how much I've missed new Muppet stories.  It's a beautiful moment that, unfortunately, also serves as a bar that the movie doesn't quite reach again (though the Rainbow Connection moment towards the film's finale comes close).

"Wokka wokka, motherfucker."

 After reminiscing, Kermit resolves to get the gang together for one final show.  What should have been the moment the movie starts to gain momentum is where it plateaued for me.  While I generally have no problem with the Muppeteers passing off their responsibilities (Steve Whitmire was set to takeover Henson's duties, even before his untimely death), Frank Oz's presence is sorely missed here.  Eric Jacobson has taken over Oz's roles and, well, he's no Frank Oz.  His puppet duties are mostly serviceable, but his Miss Piggy is hit-or-miss and his Fozzie is just completely off.  This shouldn't be a problem for kids new to the Muppets, and it may not be a problem for most people, but as a diehard Fozzie fan this was a big drawback for me as it constantly took me out of the movie.  Other drawbacks include an unnecessary subplot between Segel and Adams that grinds the movie to a halt and just the general look of the movie.  I don't have the technical know-how to properly explain it, but there are several moments where the Muppets don't look like they're inhabiting the same space with their human peers.  It has an over-produced, digital look that made everything feel very unnatural.  It wasn't a major detractor, but it didn't do the movie any favors in terms of audience immersion.

Sweeney Todd ain't got shit on Beaker.

Still, for all of the little things that kept bugging me, the movie excels at so much more.  The jokes are (mostly) very funny and in line with typical Muppet humor and the celebrity cameos were a riot.  I don't want to give anything away, but Dave Grohl and Zach Galifianakis have some of the best cameos in Muppet history, the latter being almost as good as Steve Martin in the original 1979 Muppet movie.  The music is wonderful; an equal blend of original songs, pop hits, and Muppet classics and I think the soundtrack stands up very well in comparison to the likes of The Muppet Movie and The Muppets Take Manhattan.

The one time it's okay for a man to cry like a little girl.

The Muppets isn't groundbreaking in any way, but it's a mostly pleasant romp with enough charm to help anyone look past its shortcomings.

Note: The Muppets is preceded by a Pixar short, Small Fry, set in the Toy Story world.  It's brilliant; don't miss it.

Why Disney's Beauty and the Beast is a load of horseshit

You read that title correctly. Beauty and the Beast, while a magnificent animated tale of love and acceptance, is a total crock of baloney.  It's the story of a young girl looking for someone to connect with and her list of options is pretty barren.  Let's look at Belle's rival suitors.

 First up is Gaston.  He's handsome, brave, and would be the hero in any other fairy tale.  He's ambitious and an entrepreneur; running his own successful business. He's also a skilled hunter.  Basically, he's a provider who knows how to survive.  Like the rest of humanity, Gaston isn't perfect. His confidence creeps into a smug arrogance.

"Picture this: a rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting over the fire, you not being violated by a furry dick..."

After Belle rebuffs Gaston, she meets the Beast.  No, that isn't some crazy nickname he earned in college for being a "wild and crazy guy".  He was magically transformed into a monster by a vengeful sorceress basically because he was a giant dickbag.  The Beast's outside appearance doesn't conceal a tortured, gentle soul.  He's selfish, arrogant, abusive, vengeful, cruel, bitter, and he hates himself.  Also, motherfucker is rich.

99 problems but a bitch ain't one.

Did I mention how Belle met the Beast?  Her sickly father stumbled into the Beast's home looking for sanctuary from the man-eating wolves that were about to devour his face.  The Beast's response?  Lock him in a tower to die.  Belle finds her father and offers to take his place.  The Beast eventually acquiesces to her request, upon realizing that she may be the one to break the spell.  And hey, maybe she'll open her legs for him.  Belle is none too thrilled with these developments and at first, refuses the Beast's advances. 

"Your resistance only makes my penis harder!"

 The Beast then gives Belle her own room in his castle, nice clothes, an entire library, and basically anything else she wants, so long as she sticks around.  I'd like to reiterate that the only reason he is doing this is because he wants something from her.  He's still kind of a douchewad, prone to yelling and throwing tantrums.

"He only hits me because he loves me so much."

 So, after being coerced into co-habitation for eternity, Belle eventually gets to know the Beast and it turns out that in spite of some personal flaws, he's actually a decent guy.  Also, he's very, very rich.

"I had one lying around; thought you might dig it. Whatevs."

Meanwhile, Gaston plots to convince Belle to give him a chance.  His plan?  To lock up Belle's father.  Lest you forget, THAT'S THE EXACT SAME THING THE BEAST DID.  Belle refuses, disgusted, despite the fact that she totally fell in love with the Beast after he imprisoned her father and then kept her as a hostage.  Gaston gets whipped up into a frenzy, natch, upon finding out that Belle would sooner fuck a bear rug than go out with him.  Have I mentioned that the Beast is rich?

"Bestiality is an affront to God!"

The movie concludes (spoilers!) with Gaston meeting a grisly demise and the Beast getting the girl.  

Let's recap:

• Gaston digs on Belle, Belle thinks Gaston is a clod.
• Beast and Belle don't like each other, but Beast needs her to do him a favor.
• Belle takes the time to get to know the Beast, despite her initial misgivings, and finds out he's pretty swell (and rich).
• Belle doesn't give Gaston half the chance she gives the Beast, Gaston dies.

"Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke niggas."