Between people being trampled to death for cheap Blu-ray players and one group or another claiming that Christmas is too secular or isn't secular enough, one thing is certain during the holidays: people are assholes. The problem is a lot (i.e. all) of these people don't realize what enormous douchewads they are and they just continue the cycle of assholerey. I've compiled a handy guide that will help identify behavior that may qualify you as an asshole. Please, look over this and if you find you fall into some of this behavior, spread some holiday cheer by not being a total dickbag.
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| This is in our future if we don't clean up our act. |
1.) You have ever assaulted (pushed, prodded, stabbed, mauled, pepper-sprayed, etc.) someone for that hot item of the year in an effort to save $20. Let's face it, you're an asshole so it's a safe bet that you're kid is an asshole; he/she doesn't deserve whatever stupid toy you're accosting someone for.
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| Remember when Joseph and Mary pepper-sprayed the innkeeper for a room? |
2.) You're offended because someone wishes you "Merry Christmas." They're not trying to shove religion down your throat, get over yourself.
3.) You're offended because someone wishes you "Happy holidays." They don't hate Jesus, they're just tired of assholes ostracizing them for not being politically correct. Get over yourself.
4.) You're offended because Christmas is recognized by non-Christians. Guess what? If you want your sacred religious holiday to be a national holiday, everyone gets to celebrate it. You can't bombard everyone with your religious observations for three centuries and not expect it to get secularized.
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| Pictured: an asshole. |
5.) You're offended because people dare mention the name 'Jesus' when discussing Christmas. Yeah, Christianity totally co-opted the Roman Sol Invictus and Saturnalia, but Christmas has been about the birth of Christ for nearly 2,000 years. Deal with it.
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| This is so fucking offensive. |
6.) You're offended by the term 'Holiday tree' because it's just the secular, post-modern world furthering it's war on Christmas and its agenda against your god. When you co-opted the pagan traditions (like Christmas trees), you kind of deserve everything that comes with it. Next time you decide to start a holiday: be creative and come up with your own traditions.
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| This is a real book. Someone probably bought it. As a Christmas present. |
7.) You think Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and the Solstice should be equally advertised by retailers. Sorry asshole, but the vast majority of people, regardless of their theological ties, buy Christmas gifts. Christmas won retail winter, sorry losers.
8.) You think there is some mass conspiracy to bring Christmas down (AKA the so-called 'War on Christmas), despite the fact that for 3+ months retail is dedicated to Christmas and people have begun celebrating it before Thanksgiving is over. Christmas won winter, there is no war.
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| In actuality, Santa is being arrested for indecency with a minor. |
9.) On Thanksgiving/Christmas day you go shopping at one of the few open stores and express your condolences to the poor sucker stuck behind the cash register. Hey asshole, they're stuck there because you continue to shop on a holiday.
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| Behind her Christmas cheer is a desire for your house to burn down. |
10.) You make your employees work on Thanksgiving/Christmas for a tiny margin of profit.
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| "You're a real motherfucker, Ebenezer Scrooge." |
11.) This one is for the kids: you're pissed because you didn't get that one totally awesome (but probably shitty) toy you wanted. There are currently kids spending their Christmas in a hospital, just hoping they live to see New Years. I hope you choke on your turkey dinner, you little puke.
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| "Buy me Bonestorm, or go to hell!" |
12.) You make lists detailing why everyone is an asshole, you sanctimonious prick.
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| Pipe +3 DEX +2 CURMUDGEON |
I've only scratched the surface, feel free to add to the list with your own observed holiday asshole behavior.
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