You read that title correctly.
Beauty and the Beast, while a magnificent animated tale of love and acceptance, is a total crock of baloney. It's the story of a young girl looking for someone to connect with and her list of options is pretty barren. Let's look at Belle's rival suitors.
First up is Gaston. He's handsome, brave, and would be the hero in any other fairy tale. He's ambitious and an entrepreneur; running his own successful business. He's also a skilled hunter. Basically, he's a provider who knows how to survive. Like the rest of humanity, Gaston isn't perfect. His confidence creeps into a smug arrogance.
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| "Picture this: a rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting over the fire, you not being violated by a furry dick..." |
After Belle rebuffs Gaston, she meets the Beast. No, that isn't some crazy nickname he earned in college for being a "wild and crazy guy". He was magically transformed into a monster by a vengeful sorceress basically because he was a giant dickbag. The Beast's outside appearance doesn't conceal a tortured, gentle soul. He's selfish, arrogant, abusive, vengeful, cruel, bitter, and he hates himself. Also, motherfucker is
rich.
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| 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. |
Did I mention how Belle met the Beast? Her sickly father stumbled into the Beast's home looking for sanctuary from the man-eating wolves that were about to devour his face. The Beast's response? Lock him in a tower to die. Belle finds her father and offers to take his place. The Beast eventually acquiesces to her request, upon realizing that she may be the one to break the spell. And hey, maybe she'll open her legs for him. Belle is none too thrilled with these developments and at first, refuses the Beast's advances.
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| "Your resistance only makes my penis harder!" |
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The Beast then gives Belle her own room in his castle, nice clothes, an entire library, and basically anything else she wants, so long as she sticks around. I'd like to reiterate that the only reason he is doing this is because he wants something from her. He's still kind of a douchewad, prone to yelling and throwing tantrums.
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| "He only hits me because he loves me so much." |
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So, after being coerced into co-habitation for eternity, Belle eventually gets to know the Beast and it turns out that in spite of some personal flaws, he's actually a decent guy. Also, he's very, very rich.
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| "I had one lying around; thought you might dig it. Whatevs." |
Meanwhile, Gaston plots to convince Belle to give him a chance. His plan? To lock up Belle's father. Lest you forget, THAT'S THE EXACT SAME THING THE BEAST DID. Belle refuses, disgusted, despite the fact that she totally fell in love with the Beast after he imprisoned her father and then kept her as a hostage. Gaston gets whipped up into a frenzy, natch, upon finding out that Belle would sooner fuck a bear rug than go out with him. Have I mentioned that the Beast is rich?
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| "Bestiality is an affront to God!" |
The movie concludes (spoilers!) with Gaston meeting a grisly demise and the Beast getting the girl.
Let's recap:
- Gaston digs on Belle, Belle thinks Gaston is a clod.
- Beast and Belle don't like each other, but Beast needs her to do him a favor.
- Belle takes the time to get to know the Beast, despite her initial misgivings, and finds out he's pretty swell (and rich).
- Belle doesn't give Gaston half the chance she gives the Beast, Gaston dies.
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| "Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke niggas." |
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