First off, I should acknowledge the fact that I didn't "lose" my faith, so much as I've misplaced it. While I can't in good conscience classify myself among Christians anymore, that doesn't mean that I'm not open to the idea of religion, I am simply no longer convinced by it. No, I wasn't recently exposed to the corruption of the church. No, a loved one didn't die recently. No, I'm not dying (to my knowledge).
How did I abandon Christianity after 30 years of (mostly) fervent belief?
Short answer: I read the Bible.
Some background on me, for those of you who don't know me very well. My dad is a pastor, or at least, he was until he and my mom divorced and Southern Baptist dogma prevented him from ever working in a church again. Christianity was the truth, as much as physics or biology, and I never really had any reason to doubt it. Of course, as so many of us do, I hit my mid-20s and started to question everything I believed. Faith wasn't enough anymore. I've got nothing against faith, and it'd be silly to suggest that we don't all rely on it at some point, but even common faith like "my car will start today" or "my wife will still love me tomorrow" is predicated on some fundamental truth. I was having trouble finding this fundamental truth in my religion. So like any struggling Christian in the middle of a crisis of faith, I talked to other Christians. Maybe the best answer came from a seminary graduate friend of mine who, upon me observing that I couldn't see the truth in religion anymore, asked if I was truly seeking it.
This bit of self-reflection hit hard, as after high school I'd relegated church-going and scripture-reading as things to do on a whim. Desperate for knowledge, I poured myself into the Bible. Sure, I'd read my Bible when I was younger, but it was usually select passages that re-affirm, I'd never taken in the entire thing. I'd certainly tried as a kid, but usually lost interest when I got to the begats. My priority, this time, was to read objectively, as a person just looking for truth, rather than someone automatically taking everything read as gospel (if you'll pardon the pun). You're probably not surprised to find out that a story about a talking snake and people made out of mud isn't the most convincing origin of life. This didn't deter me however, because unlike so many simple-minded religious and non-religious people, I recognize that artistic license isn't a new concept. What artistic license doesn't account for, however, is the little inconsistencies that basically put everything I've ever been taught into complete disarray. It turns out Lucifer isn't the devil, at least, not according to the Bible. Someone read John Milton and word of mouth spread and eventually I was being told (by very educated and religious parents) a story about a conceited angel whom God cast down, despite there being absolutely no record of that ever happening in the book our entire religion was based on. Unfortunately this wasn't an isolated incident of misinterpretation. It was frustrating, as an adult, to discover. I felt duped. I was disappointed in all of the highly intelligent people I've known who would just accept these stories without fact-checking. It wasn't enough, though. This didn't prove, or disprove, anything. As a fairly progressive Christian, I'd long moved past concepts like the devil and hell. I'd already accepted that Satan (which translates as "accuser") was a metaphor for man's inherent evil and hell wasn't a lake of fire, but simply Earth without the presence of God. My heretical interpretations of the Bible aside, I still described myself as a Christian, though I'd often amend the term with "liberal", "progressive", or "critical." My religion was more about helping the poor and the meek, rather than condemning sinners or abiding by an arbitrary list of rules. My religion was completely independent of my politics. My religion didn't clash with science. What my religion clashed with, was my own logical compass.
Something still didn't feel right. How could there be so little historical corroboration for the man whom one of the world's largest religions was founded on? Why was God such a vicious tyrant and then one day turned into a loving father? Why did the Old Testament read like a book about polytheism, despite the decades I'd been bred in a monotheistic faith? There were just too many questions with too many insufficient answers. It felt intellectually, and spiritually, dishonest to call myself a Christian, despite not believing a large bulk of the tenets of Christianity.
Where does that leave me? I don't hate religion, at least, no more than I did when I was still a part of it. I still believe in God, I simply have no concept of what God is, beyond "the genesis of life." God could be an omniscient spiritual entity just as much as it could be ancient celestial aliens who seed planets. I could very well come back to Christianity or some other religion in my search for answers, but it seems unlikely since it hinges on faith and I am seeking truth.
How does that change my life? I'm still figuring that out. It's hard to de-program 30 years of religion, particularly when so much of that was the driving force behind my personal code of honor and ethics, as well being how I identified as a human being. I'll keep giving to my monthly charities. I won't feel guilty for acting on sexual urges. I'll continue to study the Bible, among other texts. I'll probably pray a lot less. I'll hate and distrust the government about the same. I'll always be up for a good religious debate. I might start saying "goddamn." We'll see.
Oh, please don't tell my mom.
